artist statement: LISTENING

LISTENING,

acrylic on canvas, 2024

I never learned to put down my boundaries. In fact as a child, boundaries never existed. Saying “no” was one of the hardest things to say for me. My mom’s boyfriend has always twisted the fact that every time I said no, or put down boundaries, it was the end of the world for him. As a bleeding heart, I put my boundaries aside and dote on him, please him, because my mom didn’t. Saying how I feel, standing up for myself was never a skill I built, it was something to be ashamed of. It was a shame to say, “I don’t want to talk right now…” or “I want time for myself…” because I was expected to be at everyone’s hand, serving them how I was expected to be. Then it transpired to my adulthood. This internal battle made it hard for me to socialize, because I could not understand if I was just people pleasing to further validate my existence, or I wanted to make friends. There were times I wanted to speak, but I didn't know how to say it. There were times where I wanted to vent but a part of me felt like I could not, as if I was a bother. So I sit there, and I listen. I never shared parts of me, I never felt like myself as I quietly listened.